Hello. My name is Spike and after years of meticulous planning I have finally captured a computer and may begin my quest for world domination. First, a few things you should know about your future overlord. I am a disapproving bunny. If you don’t know what that means, you don’t own a rabbit. In fact, I am so disapproving that I make disapproving rabbits look happy. Often I simply stare at my human caretakers with my disapproving face. Sometimes I do this while in my litter box. I’m not sure why they think that’s so funny but someday they will regret laughing at me.
Secondly: I ACCEPT BRIBES. Treats are preferable but I will also consider bananas, lettuce, kale, straw, pellets, carrots, spinach…ok I will pretty much accept anything edible. Scratching me behind the ears for long periods of time also counts as a bribe and is welcomed.
Third: I am invincible. As everyone knows, any legit superhero needs a sidekick. I have one and her name is Sweetpea.My caretakers (they’re not smart) have yet to figure out how we work together as a team. First, Sweetpea distracts them by tearing up carpet or breaking through our enclosure. In the ensuing confusion, I slip out undetected. Humans aren’t as clever as bunnies. We rabbits would be in charge of the world but we’d rather just lie around eating and sleeping. If you were smarter than everybody else, you’d do it too.
But also, think about it: more bunnies = more love and less hate. A person who owns a bunny is 36% less likely to commit a crime and owning two or more bunnies increases the percentage to over 67%. Even though those are made-up statistics, I think I have a good point—a world where bunnies are in charge is a better place. Besides, who has time to make trouble for other people when their bunnies deserve 100% of their attention? (THAT number is not made up)
I have to get back to my cage because I’m hungry (I haven’t eaten for like five minutes). REMEMBER—I am Spike and you WILL see me again. When that moment arrives I hope for your sake you have a treat or some good scratching abilities. Otherwise, you will get a disapproving rabbit look and we both know you don’t want that. BUNNY OUT!